What makes me autistic

For today's post, I wanted to share a bit more of a personal perspective and talk about the ways in which autism presents itself for me. Obviously, autism is a spectrum and this means that it is very different for each individual, as is the case with everything in life. For example, I will not be the same as your 5 year-old nephew who has autism because I am a 22 year-old woman, so we will obviously be different in more ways than one. It seems obvious to explain but particularly autistic women and girls are often compared to how autism presents in men or boys and this is why they can fly under the radar for so long and miss out on the support that a diagnosis could bring. 

This is certainly true in my case, as I've only just received my diagnosis but I still had many autistic traits throughout my childhood that weren't recognised as such and it meant that I, like many other late-diagnosed autistic women, had a pretty rough time at some points. It also meant that masking was a big part of my life, as I saw it as a necessity to survive and didn't realise the toll that it takes on a person's mental health. For this reason, some of the traits that I mention were only present or a lot more extreme when I was younger or they still exist but present themselves in a different, more inconspicuous way due to masking.  

Stimming

This is probably one of the more noticeable traits that has been very present for the majority of my life. Stimming is short for "self-stimulation" and can be defined as repetitive movements, sounds, words or actions. As I explained in my last post, there are all kinds of different ways to stim and one person alone may have several different ones depending on a variety of factors such as who they're with, what environment they're in and what mood they're in. Stimming is a way that autistic people regulate their emotions and it's often subconscious. 

The most predominant kind of stimming for me is the action of quickly scratching/rubbing my nose or eyes, kind of similar to how a hamster would do it. I don't think I could record myself doing it, definitely not naturally at least, but here's a picture of me doing it when I was younger that my parents managed to capture:

This kind of stimming has been pretty consistent whenever I've been excited, nervous or sometimes even cold and I do it several times a day. I always thought that it was an odd habit or tic but I didn't really learn to mask it until around the time that I moved to Spain last year, when I think I subconsciously decided that I should try to limit it around new people for fear of judgement. Since then, I only do this kind of stim alone or around family although I'm working on becoming comfortable with it. 

However, I do other kinds of stims as an adult. I've noticed that I will do the hand action of this stim, without touching my face sometimes as it's less noticeable, I tend to rub my fingers or hands when I'm anxious and I also rub my feet together when sitting or lying down if I'm feeling nervous or sometimes just happy.

Difficulty coping with change

This is something I've really struggled with my whole life. For many people, if they've planned to meet up with someone for a coffee and that person cancels it's not a big deal and in fact, some people actually seem to be relieved. 

However, for autistic people, any kind of change, no matter how small, can feel like being thrown in the deep end of a swimming pool without being able to swim. For me, this includes plans to meet with friends suddenly being cancelled or changed, if my mum changes something around the house while I'm away at uni (even just painting a wall has made me really distressed before) or any kind of sudden change to my routine or the norm. Strangely, whilst a lot of autistic people would therefore struggle with moving or starting in a new environment, I seem to be able to manage those situations, usually because I've been given enough time to mentally prepare myself. 

It can be really difficult to process change and for that reason sometimes I can become irritable or snappy with those around me, but it's actually just because I'm uncomfortable and panicked. Once I have had time to process and regulate my emotions I usually find that my outlook changes but it really helps when people are patient with me, help me to navigate those feelings and maybe compromise on some aspects in order to minimise the stress. 

Food patterns

Related to the change aspect, it's very common for autistic people to enjoy rigid routines, especially around food. For example, when I was little I had cheese and pickle sandwiches every single day in my packed lunch for about two years. Whilst the time span of these "food phases" has decreased a little bit the older I get, I find that I do become obsessed with eating the same thing for lunch or having the same snack every day, sometimes for months or years on end and then overnight I will change and switch onto the next phase. 

In addition to this, autistic people can be perceived as very fussy eaters due to the sensory aspect of food. Certain flavours or textures can be very difficult for us to deal with and this means we can have a very limited selection of 'safe foods' that we enjoy. This made it really difficult for me growing up and I would sit at the table sometimes for hours picking out certain parts of my meal, to the point where occasionally my mum would have to blindfold me when I ate. 

Social difficulties/Trying to fit in

Having a hard time with socialising is really a given for any neurodivergent person, given that we're wired completely differently to the rest of society. I could and probably will write a whole post about this alone. But the hardest part is that whilst thinking and functioning in a completely different way to everyone else, we're also expected to act exactly like them. Because of this, I began learning how to mask and felt the pressure of trying to fit in from a young age, but no matter how hard I tried I always seemed to stand out as odd, especially during my teen years. 

To give an example, in Year 10, around the age of 14/15 I was really struggling with my mental health and maintaining friendships for reasons I couldn't understand. I knew that something about me was different and I saw that as a bad thing, so the only possible solution I could think of was to try and copy those around me, even more than I had been doing through masking. I looked at the popular girls in my school and I noticed that they all wore similar coats and had a similar style of bag and shoes, so I went out with my mum and I asked her to buy me all the same things that they had. The next day I went into school feeling confident and I was so sure that my new look would finally help me fit in and make friends. Unfortunately, I was only met with disappointment when I realised that nothing had changed. Looking back, it's both amusing to me and sad that I just didn't understand the real reason why I was struggling and this seems to be the case for many women who are diagnosed with autism later in life who describe their time at school as difficult and often distressing.

Obsessions and special interests

Another common autistic trait is becoming fixated on things, people, routines etc. These are commonly referred to as 'special interests' and can be based around a wide variety of things. Interestingly, for boys with autism, special interests are generally related to objects such as trains or space, whereas for girls, it's often focused more around animals or people (either in their life or celebrities). Whilst I would say that languages would certainly be one of my special interests, I do think some people have also been my special interests and that's why throughout my childhood, I would only have one close friend that I cared about a lot. 

On the flip side, the tendency to fixate on things can obviously be very damaging and I definitely experienced this. I would become obsessed with very specific things, often aspects of my daily routine, and when they didn't go perfectly it caused me a lot of stress. For example, at around 16/17 I started doing winged eyeliner but I would spend hours wiping it off and redoing it until my eyes were sore because I just had to get it right. 

Meltdowns

Finally, a really difficult part of dealing with autism are the meltdowns. Particularly as a child, these can often be mistaken for tantrums but it's usually just caused by a sudden change, an issue related to a fixation or a sensory overload. When I was a toddler, I became fixated on straightening up all the tins in the supermarket and when my mum tried to pull me away, I would start shaking and crying. Later, during my teen years, I remember being fixated on my school tie being perfect or the sensory feeling of sweating and when these became too much I would explode into tears and frustration. I knew at the time that whilst it seemed like a tantrum, it was something very different and it scared me because I didn't understand what was happening. It was like my brain just shut down and I couldn't calm myself down no matter how hard I tried. This was always difficult for the people around me because they didn't understand what was happening and would often become frustrated which just made things worse. 

Whilst I think I've learnt a bit more about how to regulate my emotions as an adult, it's definitely still something I struggle with, particularly when something like a sudden change, a sensory problem or an issue with a fixation I've had triggers it. I just have to remind myself to be patient with myself, breathe and take my time waiting for it to pass. 

This obviously isn't a complete list of every single autistic trait that I have because, especially since my diagnosis, I've realised that it really does appear in every aspect of my life and is a big part of who I am as a person. I also stress again that everyone with autism has a completely different experience and the things I've mentioned may not apply to someone else that has it. Having said that, I hope it's been interesting to gain an insight into the main ways that it affects me and I might add onto this in the future (as long as people aren't bored!)

Thank you so much for reading,

Ashleigh x