Surprise! I'm autistic

I'm unbelievably nervous to make this post but I have a lot to talk about and instead of explaining to each individual person in my life, I'd rather just be lazy about it and explain it all in one go. 

Just over a week ago, I was assessed and diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Although this has come as a surprise to some of the people close to me and will undoubtedly be a surprise to many more people, this wasn't particularly shocking information for me.

To give you a bit of background, I was a fairly happy child until I reached about the age of 6. I think from what I remember and what I've been told, I was always a bit odd but no one really noticed or cared for those first few years because it's easy to just assume that's how little kids act. 

At the age of 6, we moved from London to Surrey and this meant a new school for me. As soon as I got there I think my differences were quickly noticed. The whole 5 years that I was at that school I was bullied by the other girls, both physically and mentally. I began to notice that I didn't really fit in, I didn't understand how to act sometimes and not many people liked me. 

My parents went in to talk to the school multiple times, of course, and even some teachers reported the bullying but they didn't want the responsibility and told me it was all in my head. At the age of about 9, I began to show signs of depression and anxiety. Although I was really young and had no concept of what mental illness was, I would talk about wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. 

At 11, I left for a different secondary school and I thought that would solve all of my problems. But, when I got to secondary school and the social pressures to fit in and look and act a certain way kicked in, I was faced with a whole new set of problems. 

I had so many issues with friendships and my mental health just got worse and worse until at 15 my mum had to force me to see a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, had some therapy and some medication and I thought I could finally move on. 

But about a year later the issues started to build again and I hit another low point in my mental health during my second year of uni and I began self harming. I saw another therapist, got better for a bit and then at the start of the first lockdown I went downhill yet again. 

It got to the point, just before Christmas of 2020, where I realised I had seen two therapists previously, I was on my third and I still felt like I was making no progress at all. Then, I began to consider something my mum had said a few years ago. 

In around 2017, my mum was volunteering for a programme called Home Start, which involves volunteers going into the homes of families who are struggling for whatever reason and helping by doing chores, babysitting, shopping, whatever they need. 

The family that my mum was assigned to had two young autistic children and a result, she had to attend an educational course about autism run by the Autism UK charity. 

In the morning of this seminar, the woman leading the talk would mention autistic traits and behaviours and my mum found herself putting up her hand and saying "But that's normal, my daughter does that". It happened so many times that during the lunch break the woman asked to speak to her. 

In their conversation she suggested that it was pretty likely that I was autistic but if I've managed to keep up in school and not had any significant problems then I wouldn't need to get diagnosed if I didn't want to.

My mum came home and told me this and at first I thought she was joking. I had this perception of autism that many people share - one which is associated with more noticeable behaviour or specifically male traits. 

But autism typically presents completely different in women and girls. Girls learn how to 'mask' from a young age, which basically means analysing how people around us speak and act and adopting these little behaviours so that we seem more 'normal' - almost like acting a part. 

This is coupled with the fact that the majority of research on autism in the past has been conducted on boys or men and not women. That's why with autistic girls and women, it can be years before they even notice it, let alone get a diagnosis. 

When I began doing the reading on girls with autism, I noticed a LOT of things that were relatable and my first feeling was complete relief. I had a number of big and small traits that I felt were unexplainable up until that point and it was like suddenly I realised they were all connected. But I knew that getting a diagnosis wouldn't be easy and I was worried about the stigma I would face having a label attached to me. 

This meant that from the age of 18, I had a strong suspicion that I was autistic, but for the most part I kept quiet about it and brushed it to one side. The people I did tell would often make jokes about it or one previous friend even used it as a way to manipulate me - trying to teach me how to act and behave but really it was just a way to control me. This is a common experience for a lot of autistic people, because we can seem more childlike or naïve and this makes us a target for manipulators. 

So this has been a long journey, all leading up to the point when I was talking to my therapist at the time before Christmas about some of the issues I struggle with and I realised that she just wasn't getting it and I felt that this might be a bigger piece of the puzzle than I originally thought. 

I talked it through with her and she said that she wouldn't really be qualified to deal with autism but that it may be worth seeking a diagnosis because it may affect the approach that a therapist would take. I talked it through with my parents, as getting an assessment can take months or sometimes years through the NHS and I was fortunate as they agreed to pay for a private assessment and from there I got my official diagnosis. 

Although it wasn't a huge shock, almost immediately I felt like a gigantic weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Two of my biggest issues were that I always had this suffocating thought that I was a bad person and I was always comparing myself to other people. 

After I got my diagnosis I immediately realised that I'm not as bad as I thought I was, I just struggle to understand what to say or do and I can't help that. I was beating myself up constantly for something that I can't change. And I was constantly comparing myself to other people because some part of me felt that in order to be accepted I had to fit in or be perfect and everyone else was doing that better than me. 

Years' worth of pressure on myself, fighting all the time to be someone I'm not or to act a certain way suddenly all melted away and for the first time I could see what people meant about learning to love themselves. I had always made myself the enemy for something I had zero control over and now I can let that go and finally be my friend for once. 

It was also a massive comfort to realise that I wasn't alone either. There is a large, welcoming community of people who all feel like I do and in particular, finding other women who have shared their experiences through blogs or social media was so lovely. They all have such similar stories to me and many of them also took years to get diagnosed because they don't 'seem' autistic. 

That's the reason I really wanted to share my story, because I know that when people find out that I'm autistic it will shake up their perception of autism and that's a good thing. Autism looks so different for everyone but it's important to keep in mind that autism in women is especially not recognised because there just hasn't been enough research and because we learn masking techniques that make us appear 'normal'. 

If you have read all of this, first of all thank you so much, it means a lot to me. Secondly, I would really encourage you to do some research on autism, especially if you never would've thought I had it because that just shows that there is learning to be done. I also think that I'd like to make some more posts explaining some of the specifics from my perspective to try and help educate in any way that I can, so watch this space!